They look up to me with disbelief in their eyes
“You’re inhuman,” they say at my achievements
I smile at them, shrug it off, thank them
they don’t know, I think
It’s harder than it looks.
Sure, I’ve accomplished many things,
Sure, I have many talents.
But sometimes it seems as if I’ve bitten off more than I can chew
I come a step closer to crumbling.
They look over and see my sketches, my work-in-progress,
“I wish I could be as good as you,” they say with sincerity
I smile at them, shrug it off, thank them.
they don’t know, I think,
That I feel only worse.
Sure, they’re good,
But I wish I was better.
And it seems I’ve bitten off more than I can chew-
another step closer to crumbling.
They look to me for answers-
“Oh, you know this right? You know everything,” they say
And I smile at them, pause- But I don’t know the answer,
“I don’t know,” I say to them, and they reply with “Oh.”
Sure, I know alot of things,
But I’m not a prodigy.
I’ve almost bitten off more than I can chew,
and I’m coming close to crumbling.
I tell them of my classes that I take and plan to take.
“You’re crazy,” they say in wonder, “I feel sorry for you.”
I smile at them, shrug it off, and reply
with “I do what’s expected of me.”
They don’t know, I think
To live with extraordinary expectations and goals.
I do what is expected-
nothing more and nothing less.
When everyone takes it for granted
that you’ll rise above the rest-
With one mistake, a tiny slip
they scorn you more than most.
“Fix this now, or you’re grounded,”
They say at 89.
I lay in bed and stare at shadows
Alone with my thoughts-
I’ve slacked off today,
and then I hate myself.
I should’ve done this, not slack off,
I should be great, and not a sloth
But damn, I’m so alone. . .
A ghostly touch upon my side-
I turn and no one’s there.
I look up to the prodigies,
the ones known far and wide.
I think- albeit unwisely-
Why can’t I do this,
I should be able to do this. . .
and try to no avail.
I give up, suppress a cry
and flounder in self-pity
and then I find I hate myself
even more than I did before.
Halfway through the year I find
I feel as if I’m starting to break-
I’ve bitten off more than I can chew,
and I can feel myself about to break.
I struggle day by day to live up
to the expectations and the work
and find that I still slack off, (lazy)
and my hatred only grows.
Then one day, I am alone
and tears will freely flow-
I must stay strong to those around me
but now I’m given a break.
No one hears or sees the cries
and I regain control-
I look as I did once before
I hope that no one heard.
I find myself looking to the breaks
for a reprise in stress and hate
and yet it only multiplies
I can’t do this anymore-
It’s all too much to bear!
A silent scream within my mind
and I sit stiff as stone.
Oh no, I wouldn’t take my life-
I’m way too weak for that-
but rather I curl up and seethe
until the mood passes.
I find myself becoming distant,
I think that I’m inferior
to everyone I know.
I hate myself, a solid chant,
replaying in my mind
The only solace is the land
of dreams, where I relax.
The reprieve doesn’t last for long-
interrupted by alarms
I drag myself from my bed-
Another day I dread.
A clench my fist and rest my head
upon my pale knees
I hate myself so much,
I think when I find that I’ve done nothing.
I feel as if I’m breaking and I’m powerless to stop it.
I list off reasons to hate myself-
Annoying(Why can’t I keep my mouth closed for once?)
Show-off, spat with distaste
by the ones I thought I trusted.
I want to lock my lips
and prevent me from conversing.
(Besides, I only annoy everyone, right?)
If I remain silent, the questions of
“You look down, can I help?”
“You aren’t like yourself, what’s the matter?”
Are sure to slowly fade-
they’ll accept it, but it’ll take awhile
I don’t need a social life-
friends seem to get in the way
of success in school, prevent productivity-
It’s better to have only one, right?
But why does it feel so wrong?
I try to remember my role-models
(oh, the fictional characters I so adore)
Become them, I think,
and maybe you’ll succeed.
“Wow, you put me to shame,” they say at my achievements,
“I wish I could be like yo-”
No. You really don’t.
They pause, I shrug and turn away-
Oh, they just don’t know.
I fail to see the good in me,
when part of me denies it.
There’s plenty of things that are good in me,
One side says,
Worthless scum. Look at you-
you waste your time with pointless games-
You don’t need this ‘fun’.
All you need is to succeed in school
and then you’re set.
You’re so pathetic and weak, just like your mother-
You’re becoming her you know.
No, I’m not insane,
I don’t see or hear what isn’t there-
But self-denial is always the first step, isn’t it?
Phah! You’re so ignorant, so foolish.
How do you live with yourself?
You complain so much
and yet you don’t even try to fix what’s wrong.
And don’t you say you can’t
because you can,
you’re just too lazy to do so.
The voices echo within my mind,
a constant war within,
And it seems I’ve bitten off more than I can chew
(so much more)
and I find that I am breaking.